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Jim Belushi Crucified
 James Jim Belushi, or as he liked to be called, Jimbo Christ, was arrested for possession of 19 grams of cocaine, one ounce of marijuana, 3 ecstasy tablets, and nearly 5 grams of pysco-trophic mushrooms in Taiwan. The Taiwanese government held James Belushi to maximum penalty, seeing that this is his 4th offense, and ordered him to death by crucifixion.
Belushi’s prior offences include a 1987 arrest for a half a kilogram of cocaine in which he served a year in prison before the American government ordered his return. In 1995 Belushi was arrested during a Blues Brother’s tour when he managed to intoxicate an alligator with four grams of cocaine. The alligator killed several people before it too died of a heart attack. Belushi was let off though, because there are no laws against intoxicating animals. His final offense came in 2000, when he crashed his Harley Davidson motorcycle into a Nike shoe factory, killing 11 little girls who worked there. Belushi fled the scene and was not seen in the country until last month when he was arrested for his previous crime. The Taiwanese police found the drugs stashed in Belushi’s stomach, where he hides them under a few feet of fat. The judged ruled that the normal death penalty of penile freezing and smashing was too harsh for a foreign guest to the country. Instead, the alternative means of crucifixion was implicated, and Belushi was crucified on December 25th. Jim Belushi Incorporated, or JBI, was devastated by the loss of its founder. “We are deeply saddened by the loss of our good friend Jim. But, the company will prevail,” said Michael Douglas, the president of JBI. Michael Douglas bought the company from Jim Belushi in 1989 for $400, and ever since has turned it into one of the most profitable businesses in Hollywood, producing such hits as Spider-man, Mission-Impossible, and Deep throat 2000. They currently own 78% of Vin Diesel, and have recently bought 30% of The Rock. Although Mr. Belushi had no ownership or position in the company, his portrait still hangs in their New York Headquarters. Jim’s dream was that one day he would get his money back. While his dream may never have came through, Jim Belushi died on the cross just like his one true hero; Jesus Herald Christ. Belushi will be remembered for his fabulous body work which includes Nuttiest Nutcracker, Race the Sun, I heart Cocaine, Last Action Hero, and many more. James Jim Belushi 1954 - 2002. 2003 |
