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BORAT: Cultural Learnings of America By The Shwarz Family  Dad: Aw man, you should have seen the park I got. First one, right up front. As soon as you walk out of the movie, it’s right there. Like, you don’t have to walk at all, I got the one right by the door, not the one you come in, but the one you come out of. Aw jeeze, that really made my day. Taking the whole family out to see a nice film. And wasn’t this a lovely film, I enjoyed the whole thing, and I think Justin, Kyle, and even Joshua enjoyed it too. Rachel made a mess of herself, like she always does, but it turned out okay. Oh jeeze. What a park!
Justin: I hate going to the movies with my parents, they make us dress up in nice suits and ties every time we go. What the hell? I’ve never seen any one else EVER do that? And we go to this movie, my dad, he falls asleep through the whole thing, he snores all loud and my mom, well, I didn’t think she knew what this movie was about. Everytime there was a joke making fun of Jews she would hiss like a snake at everyone and she got in a fight with this guy. I should have stayed home with the babysitter. She’s a real boner. Joshua: This movie was so awesome!!!! Knee neer nar neer!!! That’s me, playing air guitar. I didn’t know how you’d write it, but that’s me. Playing air guitar. I take lessons, you know. I liked the part in this movie where he goes and he’s singing the national anthem and he has a hat that’s really awesome. Kneer neer nar neer!!!! Bludadoo Duuherrr!!!! Pretty good, right? I can do that on the guitar too. I should take my baseball team out to see this movie, they’d like it, and they’d know I’m cool because like me, I am represented by this movie. It’s me. I’m that cool. Yea, I’ll take the team out to see it. Yea. I got ADD though, bad, and like, during this movie, my Dad fell asleep so I stole his cell phone for a little bit and called this horny chicks number, you know, 1-800-PLAYBOY. Oh yea, I called this thingy twenty-three times, and I’d just make fart noises or say poop or boobs and hang up. My dad didn’t know. He’ll never find out! Baby Hershel: (communicated telepathically) AHHHH! BWAHHHH!!!! Help me!!!! My asshole is covered with shit!!!!! Where did everyone go? Where’s that lady with the big boobs? What’s that noise??? AHHHH!!!! My Armmssss!!!! The shit’s dry!!!!! How is it going to come off!!?? AHshifsdho/…. Rachel: My Mom made me go to this movie, and it stunk so bad. I didn’t understand anything, this guy with a funny mustache just danced around and then you saw his penis and it was stupid. I started to sing throughout the movie,
It’s a song I made up. I just like to sing. Some people don’t understand that, and some ugly man started yelling at me in the movie. He poured his soda all over my head and my mom started to get into a fight with him. I got all wet and I started to cry and I got mad. I hated this movie. I should have stayed home with Nancy, everytime she watches me she talks on the phone the whole time and falls asleep and I steal money out of her purse. Mom: I read an ad in the paper, “Funniest movie of the year!”, “Hilarious”, and I see the name Sasha Baron Cohen. That sounded like a nice Jewish boy, and I really liked that name, Sasha. If I have another boy, I’m gonna name him Sasha. Anyhow, I had no idea it would be like this. Curse words, nudity, the whole deal, it was purely rotten. And then, the man makes fun of the Jews! Well, I just about had enough at that point. Some man, for no reason at all, spilled his soda all over Rachel’s head. I yelled at him and he got in my face, and was extremely confrontational. Well, I tried to get Harry, but he was fast asleep and all the way at the end between the boys. So, I let it go and watched the movie scared for my life. When we left, I found gum in my hair. It wasn’t a very good night. David: I wanted to go to the movies so bad, but mom and dad wouldn’t let me go. They said I had to stay home because it was a big movie and I don’t know why I don’t know. I stayed with Nancy and it was boring. She always just leaves me and talks on the phone and tells me to watch Hershel but he’s stupid and I don’t like him so I went and played Parachute and she just went into my parents room for a while with this big black guy a I don’t know what they did but she smelled all weird, like Cheese when she came out. While they were gone I was playing parachute and I was jumping and I went into Hershel’s room and I knocked over his crib when I jumped and he fell on the ground and…he hit his head and he looked all weird. I got scared and I didn’t know what to do so I left and I went into my room and started to make a car out of legos. It was really cool, I like made it and it goes real fast. I’m proud of it. You should check it out. It’s pretty awesome. Kyle: I don’t really know how to feel about this movie I don’t know. I think my Dad liked it but my Mom is all mad, I don’t know. I haven’t made up my mind yet. Maybe…No. I have to talk to everyone and else and see what they think. Hold on, come back to me, okay? Alright? Nancy (The Babysitter): I’ve been sittin’ for this family for at least five years now, and it’s good cash. I gave Harry a blowjob once for a discount on my taxes and ever since I’ve been the family babysitter.  I also work full time as a phone sex operator and I can take calls on my cell phone while I’m here, so it’s a fucking great set up. The parents have no idea, I just give the kids some chocolate and do my thing.
But, tonight, they asked me to come over while they’re at the movies. I thought I’d have an easy time, because Monday is usually the slowest day of the week in the Phone fuck business. So, I decided to get some rocks off Lee Roy, but the only place he could meet up with me was over the Shwarz’s house. Well, he came in and one thing led to the other we both smoke a shit load in their parents room and we’re fucked up out of our minds. I’m just laying there, and then my phone rings and it’s the phone fuck line. I answer and it’s just some kid who makes a fart noise and hangs up. This kid keeps calling and calling and calling and I get so fucking paranoid, I kicked Lee Roy out and the phone, it just doesn’t stop, the kid keeps on farting and farting and making squishy noises with his mouth. I freaked the fuck out. That was right about when I discovered the baby. Sprawled out onto the floor with shit all over his ass, this little baby just lied motionless with his one arm broken at the elbow. I was just staring at this baby, dealing with what I was seeing, when the phone rang – again. I answered, sobbing. Nothing. No one was there. I could clearly hear someone breathing, but no one said anything. I hate this job…I want to eat…wood and dig a hole with my bare hands…I want to… Kyle (Again): Okay, okay, I’ve made up my mind. This movie was definitely good, but not that good, definitely a notch up there on the scale. Josh loved it but Justin hated it, so, you know, I guess I liked it too. I certainly watched the whole thing. I liked it. Yea, it made me feel good.   3 out of 5 Stars MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE 2007 |
