           
|
Vin Deisel Movies Cause Brain Damage
 PETMG, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Movie Goers, has recently conducted a study about the long term effects of repeatedly watching movies. Tests began last June, and they recently concluded the first part of the study. Scientists would show test subjects various types of movies 20 to 40 times in one week to see the effects it had on them. Some of the tests had extremely suprising results, while others produced no effect on the viewer.
Last July, Scientist Jeffamos Thomas, discovered a suprising trend in the results on the test in action movies. He noticed that The Fast and The Furious caused the viewer to become slowly dumber after 10 viewings. Thomas then decided to concentrate more of his energy to studying the results of The Fast and The Furious. The discoveries were quite alarming, after only 15 viewing of The Fast and The Furious, the viewer became slightly retarded. After 20 viewings, the viewers brain capacity had decreased by nearly 15%. 30 viewings caused complete retardation, and 40 viewings lead to death. Sony pictures, the studio which is released the film, did not announce any plans to recall the film or change it, citing that the studies were “unfounded and stupid”. They currently are still going ahead with plans for the sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious. Hijiro Kajimima, head of the Japanese-American relations of the company, said “These arrogations are compretry unfounded. The study does not merrit any change in our prans for dominating and contorring America.” The problem angered the MPAA, who are currently pressing charges against PETMG, for attempting to destabilize the current boom in the movie industry, and calling them an organization that supports terrorism. “By putting the fear into the movie goers of America, they are obviously on the side of the terrorists,” said Linda Shwartzbaumstein from the MPAA’s Tel Aviv office. Jeffamos Thomas said that the problem was not the composure of the movie, but instead it’s the actor Vin Diesel. “I’ve noticed similar results in other Vin Diesel movies. For example, xXx causes brain damage after only 5 viewings, and the viewer is vulnerable to death after 15 viewings. I believe that the problem lies in the unique shape of Diesel’s head. His head, after repeat viewings, can cause the viewer to become dumber. I have not yet found the cause for this, but if funding remains consistent, we should be able to determine the exact problem by July of 2003.” PETMG also discovered patterns in other movies. The most recent discovery was on the movie “The Hours”, which after only 2 ½ viewings lead 88% of all to viewers to feel like killing themselves. After 2 consecutive viewings of the movie, 87% of all test subjects nearly had brain functions cease similar to that of drowning. Dr. Matthew Fermomas, who heads the dramatic movie tests, said “The movie’s negative tone leads the patron to feel very down after the first viewing, but this movie is such over-dramatized shit, that it bores the viewer until they no longer feel the need to breathe, and simply slowly die.” All of the test subjects survived due to the medical staff at hand immediately attended them, but if this were in a real life situation, they most likely would have died. Other movies that caused concerns were “Spider Man”, which induced a severe retardation after 1.5 sittings, and Austin Powers Goldmember. The movie caused people to buy an increased amount of Pepsi, Doritos, Israeli bonds, and to eat at Pizza Huts and Taco Bell’s more often. This is suspected to be linked to small subliminal messages found in the film, now a unique and mysterious form of advertising that has yet to be explained. Feardotcom, on the other hand, caused severe bleeding from the anus after watching only the first ten minutes of the film. Steven Dorfe commented “Fuck off you anti-semites! You people are just trying to ruin my career!” This is entirely false, though, because due to his last selection of roles, he is ruining it himself. “No, we cannot advertise in your dreams,” said Pepsi advertising executive Israel Libowitz, “and it is a complete lie that we had any form of advertising in Austin Power’s Goldmember besides the normal ‘sell-out’ advertisements currently allowed by the MPAA.” These studies led to other discoveries, including “Extreme Ops”, which featured the most heavy subliminal messages in it. But, the subliminal messages are in-affective because the movies causes the viewer’s brain to stop life functions throughout the body because the brain mistakes watching the film as if it were in a coma and the viewer will most definitely die. “There is no way we can stop this problem, it can only be done by the movie studios and movie executives; they have to halt production on such terrible movies for the health of the general population,” said Dr. Connoley R. Fleming, CEO of PETMG. While the movie studios claim there is no problem, it can not be denied that the production of such horrible movies like “The Hours”, “Spider Man”, and “2 Fast 2 Furious” should be halted immediately until their health risks can be determined. 2003 |
