           
|
Farting Actually can make situations more Tense
Imagine, you are the quarterback at the Super Bowl. Its fourth and ten with five seconds left on the clock and your team is down by six points. This is it. This is the biggest play of your life; any mistake here will cause you years of ridicule by your peers. Your team lines up and the entire stadium grows silent. As you are about to give the call for the center to snap you the ball, a loud ripping fart comes over the loud speakers. “What the hell was that?” you think. Fear runs through your body as the situation has become a thousand times more intense. Not only do you now have to win the Super Bowl, but the sound you just heard makes the situation all the more difficult.  Sure, you probably wont be quarterbacking in the Super Bowl anytime soon, and thanks to the latest scientific studies, new security measures are now in place to make sure that no one farts over the loud speakers in such situations. The fact is that recent studies show that if someone farts, it makes the situation up to thirty percent more intense for everyone involved.
“Not only now do you have to deal with the current task at hand,” states Dr. Ben Friesburg, “but you also have to deal with the fact that someone just broke wind.” During World War 2, the U.S. Army had begun testing the use of flatulence warfare. They theorized that the sound of a fart could be used in a psychological manner on the battlefield. After six months of extreme fart analysis, the project was canceled at the end of the war when it was deemed “unnecessary and immoral.” In 1994, the documentation of these early fart tests was finally declassified. Dr. Friesburg discovered these papers and became intrigued. “The idea that farts could be used to change how people reacted in certain situations was something that I found irresistible to say the least,” he recently professed. Through his own private funding, Dr. Friesburg was able to figure out exactly how the farts affect our lives. When someone farts, the sound triggers the “fight or flight” response in the body. Adrenaline is released into the bloodstream and blood pressure is increased. Anxiety and nervousness ensue in anticipation of what will happen next. People are usually taken completely by surprise when a fart occurs; this is the main factor in the reactions from the fart. Through years of clinical tests and studies, Dr. Friesburg and his crew have discovered that the intensity of a situation can be increased up to thirty percent. The amount of increase in intensity is directly related to the intensity of the fart and depending on the current situation. The more intense the situation, the greater chance that the fart will have a larger affect on it. Dr. Friesburg’s research also plays a major role in real life. Take the Super Bowl example for instance. If someone were to fart with such intensity over the loudspeakers in that situation, the stress levels for the players would be incredible, possibly causing some of them to have seizures and anxiety attacks. “The intensity levels would be off the charts,” Dr. Friesburg adds, “no one would be able to handle a situation like that.” This is why the Federal Government is now in the process of making new regulations and increasing security at such events to prevent things like that from happening.  A well-placed fart, though, could one day save your life. Imagine that you are on an international flight coming back to the United States. Now imagine that some crazy terrorist decides to take over the plane for some reason. This man is under a lot of stress, and a fart could be the thing to send him over the edge and into a nervous breakdown.
“Be careful in how you fart,” Dr. Friesburg warns. First, you must remain calm, otherwise the fart may cause you to go crazy yourself. Secondly, make sure that the fart is strong enough, or instead of sending the terrorist into a pit of mental aguish, you might just piss him off enough to start shooting people. Finally, remember that everyone else on the plane is under a lot of stress as well. A fart that is too strong or misdirected could damage them too. Through his years of research, Dr. Friesburg has provided us with valuable information. “Be careful with your farts,” Dr. Friesburg adds, “They are very powerful and hopefully will be used to aid mankind rather than for evil.” 2002 |
