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The Fat Theory by Mike Morelli  In the age of French fries, jet airplanes, and compact discs, we have earned some side effects to our prosperity. Despite all of the luxuries and less work to be done, more and more people are fighting, not terrorism, but obesitism. This sometimes fatal disorder attacks the thighs, the hips, the stomach, the arms, the neck, the chest, every part of the body noticeably enlarges. In between the muscles, and under the skin, the body fills up with packets and packets of fat. This green, mostly unseen, liquid can feed a small family for months, due to its high sugar content. But, for you, it will slowly choke you, cutting off blood from the arteries and eventually killing you.
Many, in the time of microscopes, are fighting back. Doctors around the world, using high-tech research, attempted to figure out why this fat is attacking us. “The fat that gets into the body is not a virus, bacteria, or germ of any kind,” said Therapist Dr. Goldringer. “The fat that is inside of us is put there by us, through the food we eat.” Dr. Goldringer’s revelation sent shockwaves throughout the food industries around the world. Many companies, worried that their products now contain “fat” which can lead to a “painful death”, began a swing campaign of their own. “Our products are completely safe, completely healthy, and completely delicious,” gleamed McDonald’s Restaurants Vice President Dean Armstrong, “Our scientists have been studying our food for years, and no one ever came up with this crazy ‘fat’ business.” McDonalds, along with many of the other major food companies, emphatically deny that any trace of this fat is in any of their food. Many in the food industry are calling for the barring of Dr. Goldringer’s liscense and practice, for his “research techniques with unfavorable results”, according to a Taco Bell report.  “Food doesn’t make you fat, fat does,” Wendy’s CEO and son of the late Dave Thomas, Michael Thomas told us, “and we all know, who becomes fat and who doesn’t, is not our choice, it is God’s choice.” He went on to argue that no more research should be done on the subject because it is all predetermined by an invisible man who inhabits the sky.
“That’s just ridiculous,” Chinese Dr. Choa, leading the People’s Republic of China’s official research, responded, “It’s free will, if I eat this cheeseburger, there is fat in it, which I need for energy. If I don’t use all of that energy, it is stored in my body for later use,” he said, “so, if you consume excessive amounts of energy without using it, you get fatter.” The new rave with many famous movie stars and others that’s sweeping the country, is to actually take this ridiculous “fat theory” seriously, and whip yourself ten times every time you think about a cheeseburger or something else that might have been filled with fat by the invisible man who inhabits the sky. Preached by higher up “Priest Guru’s”, they have over 500,000 followers this day, all who use food as a punishment and reward. “Pain is the only way to stop the fat,” said high priest guru Michael Moleaster, “the negative fat energy, like a magnet, is attracted to your positive hunger energy, and they just want to intertwine with each other through eating,” he explained. But, the only way to stop this union, he added, is through “pain and suffering”, which is the only way a human being could understand. One anonymous student, who has had success trying this regiment, recently poured his heart out in favor of it’s wonderful results. “I eat because I’m sad…” he said, “…But, I’m sad because I eat. The fat that lived in the food I ate has taken over my body…the only way to stop it, is to either die, or beat yourself. And I wasn’t about to die.” Whatever the case, until this “fat theory” is confirmed through the surgeon general, the food companies can continue to ignore it’s connection to people getting wider. Without the endorsement of a federal agency, it is unlikely this research will be going anywhere, let alone into the kitchens of America’s most beloved eatotoriums. 2005 |
