Fred Claus Reviewed By The Real Santa Claus How much do you think your ears weigh? Like if you could cut em’ off, put em’ on a scale, and weigh em? Two pounds? Right? That’s my guess. Imagine being me. No, better yet, imagine you are me. Every year, somebody goes ahead and makes a movie about you. Somebody, who looks nothing at all like you, dresses up in a ridiculous costume and dances around and sings a song and says they’re you and everyone laughs and enjoys it. And that’s what people think you are. Some goofy fat happy guy. I can’t stand it. But, you know what, maybe two pounds is too much. I mean, I only weigh two-hundred and ninety-eight pounds, that leaves two-hundred and ninety-six pounds of Santa for the rest of me. My ears can’t weigh that much. Four ounces. Each one is two ounces. Do they measure popcorn in ounces? How many ounces of popcorn would equal one jumbo popcorn? Don’t you think they could think of some better stories about me, instead of the one about my brother? Oh yea, he was real interesting, but he died four-hundred thousand years ago and in no way shape or form can relate to Vince Vaughn or human beings in general because he took the form a small snake-skinned bird. You want stories for movies? I’ll give em’ to you. I got em’. What about the one where I fought the dinosaurs for control of Atlantis, invented wood and hammers, or how about the time I delivered all gifts one year – completely naked wearing only a velvet red Santa thong. You wanna see some fucked up shit, I’ve seen some fucked up shit. Just look at my piercings, I have my index finger pierced together with my middle finger, it’s great, I can’t move them at all, and my nose – it’s a fucking colony. If my ears weigh two ounces, that means I can probably fit up to ten ounces of jewelry and ear rings onto them, to the point where they don’t fall off. But, maybe that’s too light. How much is two ounces? They probably weigh more than that, I mean an ounce isn’t that much. You see this new Fred Clause shit? It’s probably the worst one yet, making my brother out to be a criminal and whatnot, and I’m in it all nice and stuff. Well, why don’t they put in the part where jolly old Santa got tacked on kidnapping charges? Oh yeas, they won’t show that part of the story, too depressing, Santa can’t drive 400 miles into the desert with a six-year-old’s dead body. That’s stuff just doesn’t happen, does it? Listen, enough about my trial, we all know that roof was completely unstable when I landed on it, I’m here to review this movie. And ask you about my ears. You think I should go with silver or gold? Or silver on one ear and gold on the other? I dunno. What? What’d you say? I can’t hear shit, my ears are just fucked. What?....No…I’m probably taller than Paul Giamatti, yea…definitely….what’s my favorite?...I dunno… My favorite movie about myself is probably Faces of Death 4. It’s a documentary, and someone playing me is featured on the cover with a gun to their head, and they proceed to kill themselves. I wish I could do that, but I’ve already grown three new heads and shedding is probably twice as painful as any death I’ll ever experience. Just to fuck with the audience when I went to go see Fred Clause, I started screaming and cut the persons ears off who was sitting in front of me. It was so funny, I was like, “Awwwwwww!!!!”, and I pulled his ear off. He started screaming real loud and everyone was like, “Oh my god!” “How could you do that?” It was pretty sweet. 1 Star Out of 5 Stars MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE - Stogiebros.com 2007