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HORRORSCOPES
Aries (March 21-April 19): You have some emotional issues, instead of holding them in, jump off of a high buliding. Expand your horizons and drink Dran-O. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your popularity is on the rise! Giving hummers to complete strangers payed off big. Now it is time to start collecting some cash for your friendly duties. Gemini (May 21-June 21) You are happy some days and sad others. Just pick a god damn emotion and stick with it for christ sakes! Also, I see food in your future. Cancer (June 22-July 22) This week is your lucky week, your genitals will grow larger and you will forget how to divide. It won't end there, you will see a homeless person do a jig. Leo (July 23-Aug 22) You are feeling a bit down, it might cheer you up to know that you will earn alot of money in the near future and lose it all to an expensive drug habit. Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) Staying cheerful will help you out alot. Even after you get hit by that car next week. Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23) Seek and you shall find...your keys. You could remember things better if you didn't smoke so much. Scorpio (Oct 24- Nov 21) You are jealous of someone close to you, do not worry. For they have a Venerial disease. Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) You have a secret admirer....The government, they want your tax dollars! Capricorn (Dec.22- Jan 19) You need a change. I see a sex change in the cards for you! Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You will commit a Federal Offense and not even know it. Luckily you will get away with it, you terrorist. Pisces (Feb 19- March 20) Loved ones need help overcoming negativity. Compliment them on their "Ghetto Booty" and shed light on how what their wearing makes them look fat. 2003 |
