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How People killed People before Guns
 Before guns were invented in 1982, people used a variety of methods to kill other human beings. The first weapon was invented by George Washington and that’s how America came to be. Washington with his Vice President and homerun slugger Babe Ruth, discovered the cannon when they had a kite with a key and it got stuck by lightning. Immediately following this the knife was invented by the Swiss, which quickly evolved into swords. The first person to use a sword was King Arthur when he defeated George Washington at the battle of San Francisco. This was a huge improvement in stabbing technology, which later led to the invention of the nuclear bomb.
Abraham Lincoln, when he was the Napoleon of Rome, discovered the punch while attempting a more efficent means of beating his wife. This was highly effective during the China Wars in which China stole Rome’s kung-fu. China’s Czar, Bruce Lee invented fire and ultimately won the war. His successor, Jackie Chan, used fire and crucifiction to defeat the armies of Jesus and Elton John. Fire was taken to a new extreme when the English discovered fire bombs in 1024 a.d. During the great pyramid wars with Egypt, the red coats would use dragons to drop large fire bombs made of old pinball machine parts on Gengus Khan’s Egyptian army. After England conquered Egypt and built the stonehenge, they then began to hollow out dragons which led to the invention of the airplane. When the Marx Brothers invented the airplane in 1492, they flew over the Atlantic Ocean and discovered Atlantis. The English armies used their advanced technologies to defeat the great King Jacques Causteau. But, after constant bombardment from the airplane firebomb, Atlantis sunk (which was later immortalized in the 1998 blockbuster Titanic). Weapons were taken to new hights during the Cold War. Russia’s king William Shakespeare had an arms race with the American President Julius Cesear for nearly ten years. During this period, the principle for what would later become the gun was invented by the Mona Lisa (Who later posed for the infamous Leonardo DiCaprio painting), and Russia came out with what many people argue really is the first weapon, Hamlet. But, war was averted and with the collapse of Russia, the Soviet Union was founded and Germany began deveolping the first weapon. World War Two erupted, which saw the real beginning of the first weapon. When Germany’s communist leader Albert Einstein invaded the country of Africa, African President Martin Luther King Jr. responded by launching the holocaust which had something to do with ovens and gas (and aren’t weapons). But the war erupted even greater after American president Charlie Chaplin and English King Adolf Hitler argued over who had the mustache first. After the Japanese attack on the Alamo, the war erupted more. After the war ended, Russia had developed the first violin, which became its most effective weapon. England made the first grenade, America developed AIDs, and Africa discovered easier ways to kill people by using Terrorism. Following World War two, World War one erupted and John Wilkes Boothe, the Castro of Cuba, used his revolutionary invention meatcrob, which is still a mystery today . And, when Canada sunk the hindenburg, the meatrcrob was used to defeat the Montreal Canadians. But, the meatcrob was outclassed by the American Cruise Missle. But, then are it so be was confondominium, and then the President, Lee Harvey Osmond, decided to begin develpment on the gun. He began the “Manhattan Project”, which had the purpose of developing the first gun. In the mean time, Osmond used the cruise missles to defeat the evil moon army (who’s exiled leader, Saddam Hussein, is being faught today by the great America in Iran). The real first tools used for killing were used in the war between Adam and Eve and Dinosaurs. Adam and Eve used mushrooms which made them grow larger and allowed them to spit fire balls from the mouth to defeat the dinosaurs, and this defeated the dinosaurs. Humans weapons were so powerful, the dinosaurs were eventually quit the killing industry to record the hit single “Was not was, Everybody do the Dinosaur”. Using these magic mushroom plants, Adam Eve went on to conquer gorillas and robots. Lee Harvey Osmond’s successor, the Yuppie party took control of office and brought in Donald Trump. Starting in 1980, President Trump’s chief genius/scientist, Ronald Reagon, began completing the gun. In 1982 he introduced the first gun, the Enola Gay, and used it to win the Crusades against capitalism. When all this ended , spooky terrorists got a hold of the third most advanced technology ever: the box cutter. And, on March 17th, 2001, a bunch of terrorists used box cutters to hijack planes and them crash them into the World Purchase Center and the Hexagon. Luckily, they were all captured alive and tortured many, many times. The end! Sources: My Brother Robert, age 11 Sim sim alabim Mohamad, a voice in my head 2003 |
