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King Kong By Patrick Ewing  I don’t go to the movies much these days, except for the occasional one that catches my eye. Well, a couple of months ago I saw this preview for this ape movie with this giant monkey all rambling and raving throughout the jungle - and somehow - he ends up in the city and he’s a big star. Well, I’ll tell you, I knew that that was one movie I’d have to see. It really hit home.
Sure, it’s the middle of the season, we’re in last place, the Rockets don’t got no shot at the title. We on a road trip in Sacramento and Jeff says to me, “Hey go take Yao and Dave out to see a movie and take their minds off losing.” Well, you know who Yao is but that’d be Dave Wesley who I’m talking about, one of my favorite players on the team. He’s a great guy, you know, a real stand up guy. Now, he hadn’t been playin all that well lately, I think he’s been smoking too much weed, so I’s said to him, “let’s get yo mind off this shit and see KING KONG.” I love Dave, but Yao’s another story. He is one crazy Chinese man, I will tell you that from experience. He may be 7 feet tall, and yea I know you’d be expectin’ me to talk about this being he’s 7 feet and Chinese, and you say, which one wins over, the Chinese or the 7 feet. Well, Chinese definitely won out cut his dick is fucking square. I mean it has edges, rectangular edges. I guess that’s how they be over there, I never knew that. But, the real reason I know Jeff sent me out to that movie with him is cuz the true secret of Yao isn’t his Chineneseness, no, he’s bulimic. Mother fucker pukes all the time, I mean we try and hide it, but he’s all puking during the half and he throws up into plastic bags to measure how much he’s been eating. It’s disgusting. Well, our job during the road trip was watch this crazy chink, don’t let him go to the bathroom, make him eat, and listen to him shit. King Kong’s three hours less of having to do that, so it was no problem at all. Plus, like I said, it really hit home. This Kong story, it really touched me. We go to the theater and, I’ve been to the movies with Dave before, he’s cool, Yao I don’t know. But, we there, the movie starts, and I have to say, it was like I was bleeding out of my nostrils with happiness. I connected to Kong, you know, they made him so believable. The beginning was boring though, all this talkeddy bullshit on a boat, I can’t pay attention cuz Yao keeps talking. His cell phone rings and he starts talking in the middle of the theater, Dave nudges him to shut the fuck up or go out side, so Yao, this seven foot tall Chinese mother fucker, gets up right in the beginning and walks in front of 20 people talking in loud ass chinker chanker language. I make Dave go out there and make sure he ain’t using it as a ploy to puke real quick. Well he comes back in a little bit, and he sits down, and he causes no problems for a good while, at least from what I could tell, I was not sitting next to him. From there, this movie takes off. I know why it touched me, Kong’s life was mirrored my own. Kong was a beast in a Jungle before being swept away into the big city and becoming a star, a star who eventually would be killed by the city. That’s just like my own career, as a little boy growing up in Kingston, on a poor jungle like Caribbean Island, I later got swept into the big city of New York where I too became a star - and, after a hamstring injury, I too was killed by the city in being traded.  It was right at the end, Kong had just begun to climb up the Empire State Building, when Yao began shaking his legs and then stood up and promptly got up and walked out of the theater. Now, I mean this is a movie, you’re into it by now, how can you just get up and piss right at the very end. He’s definitely puking. So, I say to Dave go check, but he went last time. I knew he was puking, so I politely got up and ran after him.
I couldn’t see him, so I ran into the bathroom and there he was. Fucker was in the stall violently shitting, I mean no doubt about it, he was shitting, or more like spraying. This crazy chink hadn’t shit in a month apparently, as he hadn’t digested anything. Apparently, he had been puking under my watch. He was really good at making himself throw up, and now figured out a way to manipulate his throat without using his fingers. Fucker would puke in this small corner of the Hotel we were in, and just leave it there. He was shitting, but I still wanted to make sure he wasn’t following it up with something else, so I stayed and missed the end. Overall, though, King Kong was an experience, not a movie, but an experience. It hits home, you should definitely see it.    2 1/2 Out of 5 Stars This Edition's Reviews KING KONG - USHPIZEN - JARHEAD - MUNICH - ELIZABETHTOWN - LAST HOLIDAY - CAPOTE - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN - SERENITY - DOMINO BY SIMON JENKINS - DOMINO BY MAYIM BIALIK - 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE 2006 |
