Dead or Alive
by The Prophet Mohammed
400 out of 5 Stars
I don’t understand all this fuss over who can show my picture or not, I don’t really care. I would pose spread eagle with my asshole wide open for sex magazine, I’m not really shy about myself. They made all that other stuff up after I died.
In fact, I’m a very open person. Most of the time I don’t even wear clothes, I don’t wipe my ass and I shit wear I eat. You really think I made up that 72 virgin thing for a real reason? The only movie I watch, only one in all of the land – sex movie.
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Apacalypto
by a 5-year-old Burn Victim
 
3 1/2 out of 5 Stars
I hate Mel Gibson. He made this movie, he made it. He knew. He knew that, that when you make this movie you make people read it. I can’t speak mexicoan. And, when my arm caught on fire, all the smoke burned my eyes, so now, I can’t see well either. All I see is blurry green thing and all this noise is all over the place everywhere.
I had such a bad headache. The pain was so so so so throbby and hurtfultality, this movie made me feel horrible. Horrible. Horrible.
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Borat: Cultural Learnings of America
by The Schwarz Family
3 out of 5 Stars
Dad: Aw man, you should have seen the park I got. First one, right up front. As soon as you walk out of the movie, it’s right there. Like, you don’t have to walk at all, I got the one right by the door, not the one you come in, but the one you come out of. Aw jeeze, that really made my day. Taking the whole family out to see a nice film. And wasn’t this a lovely film, I enjoyed the whole thing, and I think Justin, Kyle, and even Joshua enjoyed it too. Rachel made a mess of herself, like she always does, but it turned out okay. Oh jeeze. What a park!
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Santa Clause 3
by a Helicopter
3 out of 5 Stars
Dvhreeeeeerrereeereredd……
Woooh…Woooh…woooh…
woooh…wooh..wooh.wooh.wooh.woh.woh.woh.
wah.wah.wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah.
“Oh my god it’s Martin Short!”
wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. Wah EEEEET EEEER!. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. wah. EEEEET EEEER!. wah. wah. wah. wah. EEEEET EEEER!.
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 Fred Claus
By The Real Santa Claus
How much do you think your ears weigh? Like if you could cut em’ off, put em’ on a scale, and weigh em? Two pounds? Right? That’s my guess.
Imagine being me. No, better yet, imagine you are me. Every year, somebody goes ahead and makes a movie about you. Somebody, who looks nothing at all like you, dresses up in a ridiculous costume and dances around and sings a song
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More Reviews
Letters from Iwo Jima by Jeff Glass
Big Momma's House 2 by George W. Bush
V for Vendetta by a Maide
The Devil Wears Prada by "Blind" Watermellon Stevens
Pirates of the Carribean 2 by Mel Gibson
A Scanner Darkly by Helen Thompson
An Inconvenient Truth by Dan McPhee
Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift by Lamon St. James
Superman Returns by a dumb whore
King Kong by Patrick Ewing
Ushpizen by Leonid Stadnik
Capote by Piotr Wiwczarek
Jarhead by Ilham Alliev
Serenity by Eugene F. Kranz
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 Eragon
Reviewed by "Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Y’all know me It’s screamin jay Hawkins. The voodoo master blaster of rock n’ roll. I get a knock on the door this mornin’ with some white man telling MEEEEEEEEEEE they gonna arrest me because I didn’t pay my child support.
I know you askin, Jay…How come you don’t pay yo kids supportin’ funds?
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 Lady in the Water
Reviewed by Hwang Woo-suk
This is a different version of the sea nymph story my old Korean woman told me. She say there is waterfaalll and rainboow and biirds and tiger with coat as white as morning snow on a honorable mountaintop. This movie take place in an apartment building with a bald stutterer and a brown man. He is so brown, but a golden brown, as brown a honey on a golden dew in the fog of a sunny fall afternoon in Daejeon.
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 Perfume the Story of a Murderer
Reviewed by Tom Franklin
I used to be a Gym Teacher. They cut P.E. out of our educational budget. More reading less jogging, at least that’s what I tell people. I was accused of touching…okay…I touched three girls and a boy.
Gad Dang it! When did an encouraging pat on the buttocks and the breast area become such a bad thing? Anyways, now I’m out of a job. So they got me writing reviews for the newspapers.
I like movies. Mainly sports comedies. Mainly Baseball Sports Comedies. Mainly Major League 1 through 4. So. There were no sports in this movie. At one point I thought I saw a football, but it turned out to be Dustin Hoffman.
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Transformers
by Tom "Sausage"
2 1/2 out of 5 Stars
I’m a BIG guy and I’ve got BIG needs. I need to see BIG things when I go to the movies. My time is very important, I’ve got things to do with my life, I can’t waste my days staring at some crappy movie all day. So, when I go to the movies, it’s a BIG deal.
And another thing, I hate it when they do them movies now theses days, and they all got a fucking twist. I’m no carprinicus here, but I ain’t not dumb...
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 World Trade Center
by the ghost of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
2 1/2 out of 5 Stars
I really thought this was going to be a great movie. You know, Americans dying, screaming, in pain, what else could be better? I sure don’t know. Maybe another Holocaust. But, this film just changed my view on things.
I am up here in Heaven right now, oh yea, you heard that right, I am in Heaven. God made me see this. Me and him have had a very good relationship since I got here, we talk on the phone like every other day.
When I first got here, I was so shocked. There they were. 72 virgins, ripe and ready. Even though I prayed for them, I never really thought it was true.
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 Marie Antoinette
by a Hair Dresser
2 1/2 out of 5 Stars
So how you want it cut?
Uh huh…okay….yea. How bout’ the back? Okay, yea, like Randy Johnson. Okay. I get ya’. Lemme grab my sciss…ors…
…K’…….So…nice day…yea, I know, the suns coming out…Okay, you wanna’ get shampooed? Alright, over here…
So what do you do?...Wow. Wow. I got a question, like, when you sell those things, where do you get em’ from?....Like, you’re just out there, where do the hot dogs come from?....Oh….really?...Wow, you like it?...Really?
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