Plastic Refrigerators Threaten Magnet Industry
December 2007
Two years ago Maytag introduced the new Plastech Refrigerator line that supposedly kept cooler and was more efficient that nearly any refrigerator on the market – all at a lower price because of the reduction in metal replaced with plastic. Most consumers hailed the new devices, buying them in droves...
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Interviewee Offended at use of subtitles
December 2007
Local shop owner Haziz Adad is tired. He is sick and tired, that is, of the sale of lighters to children under 12. Pennsylvania has very strict rules on the subject, not allowing the sale of a lighter to anyone under twelve years old. Adad runs a local Seven-Eleven and has recently come under fire after several eight year old boys were arrested with lighters they claimed were purchased at his store.
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Woman accidentally bakes cake that looks like her own tits
December 2007
WATERCREST, N.J.,
When Angela Mancini showed up to her friend’s birthday party, her boyfriend Rocco DiOreo thought he recognized something a little too familiar.
“I was like, eyyyy, Yo! ANGELA. That cake looks exactly like your tits!” said Rocco. The whole party was astonished to learn the similarities. Angela swears it was a total accident that she made a cake in the shape of her boobs. “I like, really, like didn’t know. It’s so weird. I didn’t even know my boobs looked like that.”
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Charity sets high standards for Recipients
December, 2007
Pyaupalupo, Brazil - - If you donate to the Christian Children’s Fund, every year you’ll receive a letter from your donor child…”
So the popular Christian Children’s Fund commercial says, advertising how the child will write to the donor every year and send a picture. But, in order to fulfill this requirement, the charity has had to set very high standards for their recipient children.
“Well, first of all, they have to be beautiful and Christian and not have scars of any kind, no scars,” the charity’s Vice President Ken Horsebox said.
This also falls on top of a literacy requirement and the children commit a ritual that involves them pledging allegiance to Lord Krondar of the Underworld.
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Archeologists No Longer That Impressed with Mayan Civilization
December 2007
“I dunno, once I saw the Apocolypto movie, it kinda went downhill from there. I thought they had rudimentary cars and lasers, then I realized I was thinking about the Lost City of Atlantis,” said Mexico’s leading archeologist, Juan Poltrez. His comments echo a wave sentiment from scientists and professors across the world who have recently become slightly unimpressed with the ancient Mayan Civilization.
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More News
Teacher relays his dreams to students, met with confusion and fear
Coup Leaders Promise to bring Rock N Roll to Thailand
Adoption Agency Shut Down for Discounting Handicapped Children
Arnold Introduces Hummer That Runs on Steroids
Local Fat Child Wins Magazine Selling Contest!
Russian Boy Kidnaps Himself – In Critical Condition
Local Restaurant Hires Man to Eat for Customers
Church of Satan elects new Pope: Brian Bosworth.
Bentsen 96'; A Review of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas
Kyrgystanian Man Takes Over Village with Bare Hands
Insurgent Blows Up Own Family
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 Government Opens new wing of Defense Department: Cruel and Unusual Punishment Department
December, 2007
Washington, D.C.-
As the 110th congress came to a close this week, Senators from both parties voted unanimously to repeal the section banning cruel and unusual punishment from the constitution.
Starting in Mid-2007 the C.U.P.D. will open it’s doors. Already off to a fast start, congress chose Robert L. Mifflin to lead the department. Mr. Mifflin was former Head of Security at Disney World.
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 Chinese Government to Purchase Kentucky Fried Chicken
December 2007
After clutch meetings with the executives at Yum Inc, Chinese People Food Corp. finally closed the deal and purchased KFC for a reported 3.5 Billion dollars. It is the largest acquisition of a U.S. firm by a Chinese government subsidy.
Sweeping changes already began taking place at KFC restaurants across the country, most obvious being the slow phasing out of the classic Colonel. Colonel Sanders will instead be replaced by an anonymous “Chairman”.
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 Plot goes horribly wrong for young boy, mutilated by robbers
June 20th, 2007
7 year old Kevin McAllister was found bound gagged and tortured in his home Christmas morning local authorities say. Police are puzzled as to what actually happened. They showed up to a house riddled with swinging paint cans, makeshift flamethrowers and littered with various objects such as BB guns and marbles.
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School begins stereotyping program to get children in touch with other ethnicities
December 2007
Wharton, AL -
At the Lee Harvey Oswald elementary school in Wharton, Alabama they are getting a head start on racism. A program was started at the school where in a new stereotypical ethnicity.
“Essentially we were noticing kids totally getting racism all wrong, calling Chinese people the N-word and saying that Italians are really good at math. We wanted to initiate a program where the students could identify races and say ‘Hey, that’s a nigger, that’s a chink!’”
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 Doolunatic
by Marshall Brickman
Hey There guy,
Why do you cry?
Is it your Wife?
Or is it the knife?
In your back?
Don’t smoke crack,
Heart Attack
Japanese Apartheid,
Bongo Squad and
Ambulances.
Lift the ban,
On the plan,
The man
With the tweed jacket
And elbow pads
Plays in a band,
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 The World: My two cents (take em or leave em, i dont give a shit.) and other twisted tales from the Americas
by Sean Gray
I was flippin through the channels earlier not really with any purpose or aim, just seeing what was good on the tube. I had breifly stopped my surfing escapade to watch sum cops, but after 10 minutes of domestic disputes, and crackwhores, I decided I had enough, I mean hell, what the fuck else is new on that show anyway? Its the same fucks over and over again, exploiting their race be it white, black, brown or blue...
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By The Real Santa Claus
