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Abdul Recieves $25 Million Award for Catching Saddam; Confiscated Minutes Later By Mike Morelli Abdul Fah-ha-saheed recieved twenty-five million dollars worth of 50-dollar-bills monday after giving U.S. authorities a tip that led to the capture of deposed Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. Maj. Gen. Ray Odierno of the 4th Infantry Division personally gave Abdul the money in a massive celebration outside Tikrit.  "I would like to welcome the man who led us to the Spider-Hole itself, Abdul Fah-habada something!" Odierno announced to the cheering crowd of U.S. soldiers. Odierno handed him five sacks filled with $50 dollar bills, all with a giant "$" symbol on them too.
"A-hala-hala-hala-Ha-la ha!" Adbul told the soldiers, who couldn't understand one word of what he said. After the joyous celebrations and parading of Abdul, he was given an issue of Playboy from U.S. troops and then shipped off into the wild carrying his sacks of money on his back and on his camel. He was heading home to his birthplace of Samana, about a mile outside of Tikrit, where he would supposedly build a moneyhome out of the bills he recieved. But, Abdul never made it to Samana, he was shot and nearly killed by U.S. troops nearly fourty-five minutes after recieving his money. U.S. troops of the 4th Infantry Division, in an operation called Ivory Vagina, stormed Abdul and his camel with TOW missles and sniper fire. The three TOWs fired missed and hit the clouds (which now brings the casuality count to eleven clouds killed), but snipers were able to shoot him in the neck. "Unfortunately, Abdul was an evil, evil man," said General Odierno, "he was number nine on our wanted list, he was the Jack in the deck of cards...." "Evil, evil man..." said U.S. Civilian Administrator Paul Bremer when asked why Abdul was detained. After severe medical treatment for his wounds, Abdul was unable to speak to reporters. The bullet apparentely made a 90 degree turn upwards, waited two minutes, and cut out Abdul's tounge, similar to the magic-bullet that killed John F. Kennedy. Few people questioned as to why the man who led the United States Troops to Saddam Hussein was cooperating with Coalition Forces while still remaining to advance the Forces of Evil. While Saddam was acting President, Abdul held the position of "Farmer" in the Iraqi government, where he and Saddam had a distant relationship. Hussein, according to Abdul's family, never once contacted Abdul for fear of assasination attempts and a coup. This is typical Hussein/Hitler style, paranoia of one's peers leads to the advancement of more evil. One question many people still proposed was why did they even give him the money in the first place if they still planned on killing him. U.S. CENTCOM Gen. Abizaid told CNN, "Haven't you ever heard of fucking with someone?" What will happen to Abdul now is totally up to television polls. CBS has it at 80% - Death, 10% - Life in Jail, 10% - Painful Death. When the polling is done in a few weeks, the winning combonation will be executed on Abdul for his crimes of....evilality. 2003 |
