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Han is Jealous of Kyle's Traperkeeper By Mike Morelli Mr Spiffed sent in a notice with Starr Hamson Elementary School's Principal Pamela Brown on Friday afternoon that one of his students was acting in a Jealous matter towards another student.*  "I picked up on it during our Halloween party. One student, uh, Han Chow looked at another student, uh, Kyle Bromstein in an extremely envious fashion. Kyle approached
me and told me of this and I then proceeded with sending a notice to the building principal," Han and Kyle's Fourth Grade teacher, Skyler Spffed said in defense of his actions.
"It is a strict policy of Starr Hamson Elementary School not to deal with these types of incidents. It says right here in student handbook, 'No Terrorstic or Threatening remarks shall be made by any student, faculty, or castodianals while in the building. Any such actions shall be dealt with accordingly: First Offense, 5-25 Days Detention, Second Offense, 1-5 Day Out of School Suspension, Third Offense, expulsion.'" Starr Hamson Elementary School's Principal Pamela Brown told us in an interview following the incident. After Mr. Spiffed reported the incident, Han was called down to the Principals office. He was ushered in past the two sixty-five-year-old secretaries who bitterly looked away in discontent. Han walked into Pamela Brown's office and sat down in her chairs up front, where she handed him a copy of the student handbook with the rules he broke highlighted (the very same one she showed us). "Do you know how serious this is?" she asked him. "N-no," Han quietly replied. "I didn't think so. I think you know why you're down here, Han. You have such a good record, perfect attendace, fantastic grades. How did you end up here?" "I don't know," Han said in his nasaly voice. "Uh huh, well, Mr.Spiffed reported to me after schoool on Friday that you were having some probelms in class with another student," no reply as Han stared at his shoes. "Mr. Spiffed said that-" "Han sorry..." Han interrupted without taking his eyes off his shoes, "Han sorry Mrs. Principal Brown," "Well, Han, I'm glad to see that you understand the severity of the situation. How do you think your father is going to feel when he finds out about this?" Han kept staring at his shoes. "I understand your dad is a..." she looked at Han's record, "...a Knife Salesman...How do you think he is going to feel when he finds out what you've done? Han, I think that you should call your dad and apologize for what you have done...I have decided, after much thinking and time, that you should serve a three day suspension beginning tomorrow," the tears began to flow in Han's eyes, as he wept quietly, still staring at his shoes, "And I regret to inform you that because of this incident, we will be in contact with any such college you may apply to in order to discuss this incident."  Han was not holding back his tears now, spit began to string up from his mouth, to his nose, to his eyes, to the floor.
"Han Sorry Mrs. Principal Brown...." he cried out. "It's Ms. Brown, thank you. Now, I am going to call your father, just wait here, I'll let you explain to him what happened after I tell him the consequences..." She dialed her phone on her desk and called up Peter Chow who was working the knife stands at his local farmers market. He answered irritated and was even more irritated to hear it was about Han. His voice raised as Ms. Brown told him the consequences, so much so that Han could hear it vividly.When she finished she handed Han the phone, who added more mucas to cover his face at he cried into the phone as he heard his dad yell at him, not once saying a word other than "Han Sorry!" Han served the suspension, and although he did not know what it was for, his immigrant parents accepted the system for fear of green card questions. But, the next day Mr. Spiffed announced to the class, "Hey kids, you wan't to hear something great? Han has been suspended for 3 days! Dirk, you can take his seat for the mean time and Kyle, since he hurt you, you can teach history instead of Han today..." Kyle Bromstein was confused and had his father, the ardent Jewish Rights Activist Lawyer Harry Abraham Bromstein, see why Han had been removed from class. After a conversation with Mr. Spiffed, Mr. Bromstein came to the conclusion that what was done was wrong... "I mean, I didn't think he should have been like kicked out or nothing, all he was doing was like staring at my trapper keeper during maff and stuff..." Kyle himself told us. According to Spiffed, Han constantly stared at Kyle's "The Hulk" Trapper Keeper with an ultra-envious look. He would occasionally ask to see it, but Kyle always denied him. Therefore, it turned up his in art projects and writing assignments, any leeway Han got he would turn into and ode to "The Hulk" trapper keeper. But, although it may be an annoyance, Mr. Bromstein admitted that this in no way rendered a suspension. He talked to Ms. Brown only to find out she did not actually know what happened. Bromstein then requested the security tapes from the day in question to prove Han's innocence. Under the Public Information Act, Ms. Brown was forced to give it to him. Bromstein watched the tape with his wife, and proved Han's innocence. At the end of the tape, Bromstein found footage from the newly installed camera in the conference room behind Ms. Brown's office. It was mostly just footage of the empty office, but during meetings with students, Ms. Brown opened her door allowing the camera to see and hear what was going on (that is how we obtained the conversation above) Han's bumbling fiasco was right there on the tape, clear that he was never told of his offense. When Han exited the office, Ms. Bolden proceded to take out three bottles of illegally obtained Xanax, Vicanin, and Volum and gulped down two Vicanin. Bromstein was ready to go to work to bring her down for the big payday, he looked into her past; Daughter of Vietnam war vet she was prone to racism; she was a medicore high school student who then attended Ithaca College in New York where she failed her attempt for a degree in Sewing. She then attempted a much easier degree to become a School Principal which she got quickly. New to the system of Starr Hamson Elementary, she was ridiculed by other teachers and became depressed. Skyler Spiffed, the only male teacher at Starr Hamson Elementary, embraced the new principal without the malice of the other female teachers. He was a high school drop out who has home-schooled by his mom until the age of twenty-four when he entered Marlboro County College in Delaware. After getting his degree, he taught breifly at Phillip-Morris Elementary in New Hampshire until getting kicked out for discrepancies with that school's principal. Apparently, that school had caught Spiffed with OxyCotin and kicked him out for it. The coincidence was nothing Bromstein could overlook, he delved deeper, asking for more security tapes from other days. He found that Brown and Spiffed had been having a vivid affair during school time for at least 3 months in the nurse's office. Also on the tape, was Brown's pill supplier - Spiffed. He had been giving her whatever she asked for in exchange for "pay in blowjobs" (It was later found out he was stealing the pills from his father, who he lived with and had a massively illegal pill and marijuana stash). Thus, the evidence was presented to us and we published this story the day that Mr. Spiffed and Ms. Brown resign from their positions in shame. Han was freed from the cage his parents were keeping him in in his basement, and Bromstein is currently writing a book on the situation entitled, "Israelites; The Supermen Crimebusters" *Starr Hamson invented the Sunless Tan 2003 |
