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John Kerry named honorary Blues Brother By M. Morelli  After James "Jim" Belushi was crucified last year, the Blues Brothers went on a nationwide search for the latest lame white guy to fill his shoes. And that long ordeal is now over, last monday Dan Akroyd held a press conference to reveal who would be touring with America's worst and most famoust blues act. Suprisingly enough, it was Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry. Donning black sun glasses and a flute, Kerry took to the stage and helped ruin yet another blues classic with John Goodman and Akroyd. In jerky, somewhat awkward movements called "Dances", they attempted to entertain a crowd of balding, dockers-wearing men at the House of Blues in Las Vegas.
After singing "Soul Man", Akroyd formally introduced the now panting Kerry. Stepping in between Goodman and Akroyd, Kerry took the microphone and used it as an opportunity to greet the crowd and try to shit on George Bush. "You know, I sing these songs and all, but I'm no magician. And neither is George Bush, in fact, I'd say, he's a practician, a practician of bad presidency, that is."  Dan Akroyd, the lone controlling member of the Blues Brothers, said he invited Kerry to come and play with the musical group not because of anything politically related. It was all, "a big funny joke. I thought, what would be funnier than having the world's biggest poster child for converting and hiding his Jewish heritage? Nothing." In reality, Akroyd has been campaigning heavily for Kerry, and during the little interludes between songs at concerts, he always adds his two cents. LIke at the concert we attended, even before Kerry came on stage, he joked, "Hey, has anyone seen my saxaphone? Oh wait! It's over there, with the WMD, so it's never gonna be found!". Unfortunately, this joke actually recieved laughs when it was told.
A funny problem arose, though. Mainly because, the other new Blues Brother, John Goodman, is a staunch Republican and fevertly campaigns against Kerry. Two days before their concert together, Goodman was quoted on Kerry as saying he was going to "rip off his arms and break his legs." A muderous look, dectectable even through dark black sunglasses, could be seen following Kerry across stage. During interludes between songs, Goodman would interrupt Kerry, "-So, why don't you tell us why you're Tax plan is going to create a budget deficet unlike any other in history?". Kerry tried to play it off cool, but, unfortunately, he is lame and not funny, and Goodman is much taller and very intimidating. Secret Service agents at one point had to hold back Goodman after, during a rendition of "Hit the Road Jack", he did not sing the song and just stared at Kerry and moaned one long drawn out moan, ruining the entire song. Bill Clinton had lots of success using sunglasses and a saxaphone to woo in younger voters to his camp. But, Kerry might have some competition now, as Bush has recently been named honorary member of the band Creed, officially one-upping Kerry. Whatever the case, this election should be interesting, relying mainly on who can out due the other candidate musically. 2004 |
