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Church Bans Gays; Child Molesting Priests Welcomed Back By M. Morelli  In an expected move, the Catholic Church of America, announced that it was continueing its ban on homosexuality during its annual Spring Bash get together. The CCA, or the governing group of Catholic officials in the U.S., also made clear that as of June 30, 2004, all of the clergy accused of child molestation would be eligible for re-addmittance to the church. This will end the two years these people spent in limbo, not knowing if they'll ever be able to have sex with a child again.
"Jesus said to 'Forgive and Forget'," said Bishop Al Sharply of the CCA, "it was a unanimous decision, all we had to do was ask, What would Jesus do?" Following this announcement, nearly 8,000 people will face a tribunal of 5 Cardinals in Boston to determine readmittance. "Not everyone will get back in, because not everyone was guilty," said Card. Michael Fletcher, serving on the committee. "We will try and to deny only the most serious cases, for the Church has, for a long time, been at opposition with many of these claims. It clearly states in the Bible that Priest-child love is not only blessed by God, but encouraged." Startled by this, I asked where in the Bible he was taking this from. "Well, it requires some interpretation, but, is the 8th Commandment not Honor thy Mother and Father? And don't your mother and father want you to come to Church and do what the Priest says? So, you see, it's a very clear discrepancy." In that same meeting, the Church reaffirmed its stance on homosexuals with a group of angry douche protesters screaming outside. It took no longer than fifty seconds for the issue to be closed, the church again choosing to agree that God condemns homosexuality. "God's a very tricky person, he changed his stance on many issues on the past, including that the Earth was the center of the universe, and I think he should do it again," Douche Protester Eric Ebbletoff told us. Ebbletoff is a devout Catholic, and also a closet homosexual who has been holding himself back from any sexual activity until God approves. "I pray every day, and ask him every day, to let me have sex with other men.....but….. I get no answer...." he said with his head slumped staring at his feet. Ebbletoff argued that "God is like a person, fickle in a way, and he has to learn things and grow just like humans. God is much more human than most people would like to believe, he knows all but yet he doesn't. He just has to learn to be tolerant of homosexuals and then he can begin to accept them, just like any other person." Ebbletoff also forgot to mention that he was full of shit. He and a group of other Christian Gay Rights Activitists run a weekly meeting in which they pray to God for him to change his mind on the issue, and have been sending shockwaves into the religious community. "I don't know anymore, I just don't know. First, I agreed with my Priest, when he said that sticking your penis into another man's rectum was frowned upon by God," said Christain David Miles, "but then I realized that it was just his personal preference, for when he molested me he never would only use his hands." Miles runs the Confused Christain League, a group of formerly-molested Christains not willing to let go of the fairy tale myths of religion. They have been doing absolutely nothing, because they do not know what to do. "You got any advice?" read a large billboard they posted in Massachusetts along with, "Please Help Us - We're Confused and Christain." "What I'd like is for someone to just tell me what's right and what's wrong so I don't have to make that determination on my own. I don't want some fancy-pants lawmaker in Washington making my decisions, I want a good, god-fearing, child-molesting pedophile who claims that he can speak to an invisible man to make my decisions," said Michael Wilson, a Catholic Church defector. He is one of many who has become so disillusioned with the Church's decision to ban gays that he is leading the charge to abandon them altogether. But, Wilson fully supports the priests who have been accused of child molestation, even paying for several of their legal fees.  "Homosexuality is natural, God said it's natural or he wouldn't have made us-er-them this way. You can't just condemn a whole race. Now that would be like condemning kikes or spics....you just can't do that, because Kikes and spics, although horribly inferior, still have rights too."
Wilson, when he was still a teen, famously protested against the removal of the Berlin Wall in Washington along with three other douches. When no one really agreed with them by showing support, he abandoned the PIBU movement (Put It Back Up), and joined Green Peace and has since been running the Eviroment-Homosexuality Alliance division. Ever since the scandal broke two years ago, he has been funelling money into defending the rights of the priests. Now, he claims, Green Peace is pulling out of this operation, for it is full of too much shit, even for them. "I totally wish that, like, one day all the priests are free from this,....Cuz, like,' it's not even really a crime. Homosexuality is not a crime, but in the culture our War-mongering asshole president has created, people see it as morally wrong. And that, is why society is wrong, and I am right." He added that he thought George Bush himself was behind these "unlawful", "unjust", and "blaine" prosecutions (and yes, I don't know what blaine means either). "Yea, fuck gay people, fucking faggots," responded Christain Anti-Gay League president Bill Mickels when we asked him if he had anything to say. "Oh....you wanted me to say something else? Oh....sorry, I didn't know, that's….uh,… all I wanted to say...." After some quizing, we got around to ask him why he doesn't want homosexuals in the church, or even alive. "Well....uh...it's like hard to explain, but, uh, God said.....uh, Let there be light and stuff and like, well, he said that you gotta stick inna woman to get into heavan so, if ya think about it, I'm acutally just lookin' out for all the faggots out there." I responded, what if they don't want to go into heavan, and he stared at me for 2 solid minutes in confusion. "......yea, why the hell wouldn't you wanna go ta Heavan?" was the most we could get out of him. Mickels is the man behind the signs, running a successful business by just selling catchy-christain-anti-gay protest signs on his web "I want marriage, and I want it now!" Wilson countered Mickels. "Marriage is a unity between two peoples, never ever ever does it say they have to be man and woman!" In my humble opinion, I feel that gays should drop this issue. Marriage has been for centuries, a sorta contract between a man and a woman. Never before has society married gay people, and it's obvious only a small few want to start now. Personally, I would not give a shit if gay people got to marry, for it would not affect me in any way. But, to save this country from a "holy" war, you can't do that. The christain side is far too entrenched and powerful to defeat, and they do have a point, never before did marriage involve two men or two woman, so why should a few queers from San Francisco change that now? Biologically men and woman are sorta like two peices of a jig saw puzzle, put em' together and you get a baby. Now, two best friends could get married to save their financial status, or just as a goof. Marriage isn't sacred, fuck sacred, that doesn't exist. It's just a problem that doesn't have to happen. All you gotta' do is give gay people marriage, just call it something else, and then the Christain fucks will be happy and the gays should be too. They got what they wanted, just not the name. Who cares. Fuck off. The name only differentiates whether there are two penises or two vaginas, that's all. In this day and age, doesn't all this shit just seem kinda petty? I mean, when you get together in a group of people, depending on the size, you can call yourself a special name. There are more names for groups of people than anything else. If you wear a funny hat and pretend to talk to an invisible man, you can be a church. If you get together and play an organized fun event, you're a team. If you get lots a people, and then give them all weapons, you're an army. If you take everything you believe about the world from a little book, impose this book on others around you, and then stick your dick in a little eight-year-old kid who is looking up at you for guidance on the entire fucking universe of existence, then you, my friend, well...I don't think there's a label for that one. But, in my little book, where I get all the information about existence I'll ever need to know, the rules are quite clear for anyone who doesn't claim to be able to talk to an invisible man: you go to jail where they hold you until they feel you are ready leave and rejoin society again. The Penal system, that's a whole other story that's just as fucked as this one right here, but these fucking animals deserve every bit of fucking inhumanity it has to offer. 2004 |
