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School Massacres: Russia takes the lead, How can the U.S. catch up? By The Mike Morelli Added October 19, 2004  First, there was men's basketball at Athens. Americans were humilated, for the first time in years we were beat at our homestead sport. Now, only weeks later, we've been blown out in our homestead tragedy.
Russia beat us into space, they made more nukes than us, it's a very respectable country to have hold the record, for asianentle countries do not count (technically according to UTL regulations they count for half). Before the horrible events in Beslan, U.S.A. had a commanding lead, 193 to, the closest competition in Germany with 74. Of course, last year the Columbline Clowns were unseated at number one Tragedy by the Erfurt Eighteen who, in 2002, scored a total of 18 in Erfurt, Germany. That alone isn't even really the number one ever, in Dunblane, Scottland 19 kids were killed in a 1996 rout that opened up the category. Unfortunately, it happened so long ago and wasn't really that entertaining, and hence was forgotten about. The UTL even goes so far to deny it ever happened. Now all are completely in the rear view of Russia, who completely shocked the world with her record-breaking week. The regulating group keeping the score and monitoring tragedies is the UTL, or United Tragedy League. They have officially filed a motion to alter the way Tragedy Records are taken in the wake of Beslan. Like their ratings for how fast the wind is determines a hurricane, they are now planning on rating and limiting the usage of the word "tragedy" and to subdivide it into smaller categories. Deaths over 5,000 to 1,000,000 will be called Nagasakis, in honor of the Japanese city. Anything below that, a 1,000- 4,999 will be a Nine-Eleven, 300 to 999 a catastrophy and 15 to 299 officially a "tragedy". Ten to fifteen deaths, depending on age and importance, could either be an "Small Tragedy" or a "sad thing". All of the lower numbers will remain under the old rules, defining them as "murders" or "belvorums", a rarely used word that makes no sense.  "These changes will give people a more detailed way to express their sadness," said London based UTL Press Secretary Harry George. "We found these sayings were already in use by the majority of sick fucks around the world and would catch on quick."
These changes will make the 380 plus deaths at Russia unqualified for any record. Many russian officials have taken offense by this, and have accused the San Francisco based UTL of being a Homosexually-controlled puppet. While they staunchly deny those charges, nearly 73% of all judiciary members of the UTL is registered to vote as a "Gay". This was quick to sweep the campaign trail, as John Kerry, speaking in Ohio, immediately used it as ammunition against President Bush. "Look at this President, I mean, he can't even call a tragedy by it's right name." DIck Cheney was quick to respond, pointing out in a qucik stop in New Jersey that "Nine-eleven wasn't a tragedy, Senator Kerry, not at least according to the UTL rules. Nine-eleven was a nine-eleven." While these new terms are already starting to catch on, thousands of Africans will die of AIDs. To help donate to your local Aids Aid Clinic, simply call 1-800-BLEED-HEART, or visit www.jesusaidsafrica.com. Remember, If Jesus were still alive, he'd use his healing powers to cure AIDs. Help us help him return by contacting your local Mormon Church of Latter-Day-Saints. 2004 |
