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Local fat child wins magazine selling contest! By John Morelli Added June 20, 2005 Katesburg, Il - – - Little Davie Walsh won the local Magazine Sales contest put on by his local middle school this past month. He did so by selling over three thousand subscriptions!  It all began last month when Larry Elders from BYSCO came to the Katesburg Middle School and proudly announced the magazine contest. “I told them, ‘Hey guys, sell twenty…get a stuffed snake doll! Sell fifty get three candy necklaces! Sell a hundred and you receive a pair of 3D glasses…sell two hundred and you get some glow sticks! Hell, sell a thousand and I will adopt you and you can live with me and my rich family and I will buy you ice cream and McDonalds every day of your life and I will re-name you Lord of Amazing!’ But I guess that’s where I made my mistake.” said Larry.
Seems those words struck a chord with little Davie Walsh, the local fat kid with a dream. His Principal Andrew McLevvit says about Davie “He is fat. And Yes. He has social problems, and yes, I am wearing a tie with little pictures of Jeff Goldblum” It didn’t take Davie Walsh long to reach one thousand subscriptions…and he tripled that! And now, He has moved into the household of Larry Elders. “He just showed up one night with his bags packed demanding Ice Cream. I kindly tried to offer him four or five clock radios, but he wouldn’t budge” said Larry. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are proud of their son, but they demand answers and results. “Our son was promised the candy cane wishes of his dreams, and I think Mr. Elders is a sick man to Indian give on his claims” said Mr. Walsh. Mrs. Walsh then added “Typical Jew, typical jew.” Mr. Walsh then hushed her and informed her that this reporter is Jewish. (Ed. Note- Our reporter responded with many letters to the ADL, The Walshes are being dealt with at this time for their opinions.) It is now day seventeen of little Davie Walsh living with Larry Elders and his family. Mrs. Joan Elders welcomes the boy, but has her doubts, “I understand he is fat, but every night, he clogs the toilet and always denies it was him. It was obviously him. Who else shits while eating candy bars and humming the theme song from Seinfeld?”  Kids at school support little Davie though. His classmate Eric Tammer said “Yeah, He is alright. I only sold three subscriptions to my dead grandmother and I got like two keychains of those blue dinosaur things.” While another classmate added “I think I am jealous, but I don’t know, I am not that deeply in touch with my feelings yet. Especially when I get boners. Boners for girls. Boners for fat girls.”
Only time will tell weather Davie Walsh will be granted permission to his Ice Cream McDonald-y Mecca that awaits him. But one thing is for certain. Never let some shady ass guy into your childs middle school trying to convince them to sell magazines for them. That is child labor...all for some key chains and stale candy. 2005 |
