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Emperor Bokassa Declares War on Poseidon Added January 21st, 2006  In a personal strife with the God of the Sea, Emperor Bokassa of the now defunct Central African Empire declared war on Poseidon himself, citing a personal attack on all 17 of his wives.
“I will find him, and I will eat him. These insults will not stand.” Bokassa declared. The war already seemed in full swing following the Emperor’s announcement. He later trumpeted cases and cases of sea shells as proof of his previous victories against the Greek God. “You will see, I will conquer him and eat his delicious beard,” he repeated. Several critics have pointed out a wide range of flaws in the Emperor’s official Declaration of War, dated July 1st, 2087. First off, Emperor Bokassa died in 1996, and therefore is no longer alive, and his Central African Empire collapsed almost 30 years ago. Secondly, Poseidon has yet to respond to any of these claims, and it is not exactly clear if he even exists at all.  Bokassa has a continuous history of insanity, starting with the first accusations of cannibalism in the 1970’s, to the 1979 Bangui Riots in which he had police kill protestors, and he then proceded to eat their dead bodies.
But, the Emperor claims his consumption of human flesh only made him stronger and more immune, allowing him to communicate while dead and “impregnate a woman by looking at her womb.” While those powers are unconfirmed, his official war with the God of the Sea “will be waged with a ferocity not seen by Napoleon.” 2006 |
