Current Results Government Opens new wing of Defense Department: Cruel and Unusual Punishment Department Added December 2007 Washington, D.C.- As the 110th congress came to a close this week, Senators from both parties voted unanimously to repeal the section banning cruel and unusual punishment from the constitution. Starting in Mid-2007 the C.U.P.D. will open it’s doors. Already off to a fast start, congress chose Robert L. Mifflin to lead the department. Mr. Mifflin was former Head of Security at Disney World. “People say I don’t have experience, coming from a theme park background, but you wouldn’t believe the types of objects that were shoved in people’s asses in our security department behind closed doors” said Mr. Mifflin. “If there is one thing this department will share with the Walt Disney corporation is our extreme attention to detail and extreme prejudice of the arab population.” The new cruel and unusual punishments will be enacted on rapists, murderers, philanderers and aspiring rappers whom are in jail and death row. “If you think about it, we spend $250,000 a year to keep a prisoner alive, and another $300,000 just to kill them. Now, my and congress’ thinking is that, why waste all that money and not get any entertainment value out of it. I can’t tell you how many times I sat around my table with my family at dinner telling them all of the ways I’d like to see people die. Now, my and our dreams are coming true.” Although, Mr. Mifflin likes to remain a little optimistic “I believe we aren’t just talking ‘death’ here. Punishmen can entail a good painful resolution, but no death.” He added “I just want to tell the recruits of the C.U.P.D. to remain creative and think of things that are truly cruel and unusual.” As for the department’s upcoming plans, “We are opening offices in Washington, New York, San Francisco and Baghdad by the end of 2008.” The Chocolate Defense: The prisoner will be fed Chocolate for three meals a day until they develop a severe case of acne. When enough Acne has formed on the facial and back areas...They will take a paint chipper and in one swift swipe of the blade…run it up the face and back…popping all of the zits. This will be done until the prisoner bleeds to death. Ass of Fire: Guards will stick an electric egg beater into the anus of the prisoner for exactly three minutes while running as to completely tear up the insides. Then they will turn the prisoner upside down and empty two bottles of Tabasco sauce into their rectum. Test-Nado: A male prisoner’s testicles will be tethered to a spinning device and twisted until the scrotum separates from the body. The prisoner will be forced to eat their testicles. If they can do so before passing out, they will not be killed. The Wu: Their asshole will be sewed shut and they will be kept being fed and fed and fed and fed. The Gatorade: The prisoner’s blood will be replaced with Orange Gatorade. The Picasso: Their nose will be cut off and sewn on a different location on the body. The Mike Tyson: Mike Tyson will be taken off his medication and kept in a cage unfed for one week in the dark. Then he will be unleased on the prisoner. (We expect either rape, murder or cannibalism. Or all three.) The Led Zepplin: A mud shark will be shoved up their ass. Tic-Tac-Toe: The prisoner’s toes will be broken and mangled, and then they will be forced to run the New York City Marathon while carrying 2 antique vases. If either of the vases breaks, their fingers will be mangled. Hungry Hippo: The prisoner will be forced to break into the Brooklyn Zoo and take a shit in a hippopotamus’ mouth. If they complete their task, they will be set free. Bungee See Me: They will be forced to jump off a very tall building with bungee chords attached to only their eyelids. Once again, If they survive, they will be set free. The Bagha-Boom: The prisoner will have 3 hours to put an Israeli flag on top of three mosques in Sadr-City. If successful, they will be set free. The Pinocchio: They will be bound, gagged and swallowed by a sperm whale. If they can escape, they will be set free. - Stogiebros.com 2007