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Chinese Government to Purchase Kentucky Fried Chicken
Added December 2007
BEIJING - -
 After clutch meetings with the executives at Yum Inc, Chinese People Food Corp. finally closed the deal and purchased KFC for a reported 3.5 Billion dollars. It is the largest acquisition of a U.S. firm by a Chinese government subsidy.
Sweeping changes already began taking place at KFC restaurants across the country, most obvious being the slow phasing out of the classic Colonel. Colonel Sanders will instead be replaced by an anonymous “Chairman”.
But, controversy aroused when it came to light that the Chinese People Food Corp. actually made People Food, or food made from people. In china it is a common practice to chop up the remains of dead ignorants and throw them into the food stew.
CPFC executives quickly shot that claim down, “our food will contain no more than 5% ignorants, the rest will be high quality, smart, strong honorable people.”
Green Bay Packers back-up quarterback Aaron Rodgers said this confirmed everybody’s fears, “I mean, I don’t think there’s an American out there who didn’t think that there was some sort of cat or arm in Chinese food when they look at it.”
KFC now will no longer accept American currency, instead only accepting material goods trades. For example, one gram of dead skin could buy a meal, or old keys for a soft drink. This policy will lead to cutting down on food costs and the lowering of all health standards.
“It is a very important for the Chinese people to smile. Show the Americans your teeth. Show them, let them see who they are dealing with. Let them look,” an executive commented.
This purchase welcomes a wave of Chinese government acquisitions in the United States, the most recent being Yankees pitcher Mariono Riviera. Riviera was sold by the Yankees against his will, and now resides in Beijing throwing fast balls at bear cubs.
The Chinese government is suspected of planning a coordinated self esteem attack on the United States, buying up successful corporations and American icons and making them look foolish.
America has been combating this by emphasizing the “height disparity” between the two countries, as well as China’s “slanty, yellow tactics”. Congress has already proposed a 4% tax on stupid shit, which would account for 89% of China’s economic output.
- Stogiebros.com
2007
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