Charity sets high standards for Recipients Added December 2007
Pyaupalupo, Brazil - -
“If you donate to the Christian Children’s Fund, every year you’ll receive a letter from your donor child…”
So the popular Christian Children’s Fund commercial says, advertising how the child will write to the donor every year and send a picture. But, in order to fulfill this requirement, the charity has had to set very high standards for their recipient children.
“Well, first of all, they have to be beautiful and Christian and not have scars of any kind, no scars,” the charity’s Vice President Ken Horsebox said.
This also falls on top of a literacy requirement and the children commit a ritual that involves them pledging allegiance to Lord Krondar of the Underworld.
The chosen recipients are paraded around their villages and then brought into a room where they construct cameras and other types of film equipment. To cut down on costs, the entire crew of all CCF commercials is made of children. They write, direct, film and edit every commercial and only eat at night when their spirits can’t see the food.
The Charity’s mysterious “Bearded Old Man” spokesman is the only adult in the village of Pyaupalupo in Brazil other than Mr. Horsebox. Children are brought in by train from countries all around South America and occupy the entire town of Pyaupalupo. “When they arrive, we take the guards and they inspect the children for scars. No scars,” Horsebox said, “We take the ones that have the scars and we throw them. We throw them as far we can. Eghhhh!”
Upon arriving the kid’s are lowered into a mineshaft, given a pick and axe and given their first task. They are instructed to “mine for ideas” that they could use in their commercials in the United States. One child yelled out “I got one! I got one! Have the phone number wipe in when the train goes by!” The idea was deemed workable by the older children, who communicated this to the editor in the cave of the unknown so that he could put it into a new commercial.
This ritualistic underground community has existed for some time now, becoming a self-sustaining town depending on their TV studio. Apparently, the village was abandoned by all those who lived there, and one day some kids stumbled upon an old abandoned television studio. They quickly turned it into the most happening place and filmed a successful run of shows in the late 1990’s that brought the town riches and happiness to all.
But, in the great fall of 2003, the ratings dropped and the studio went out of business. Some say this is when the kids got too big too fast, and wasted their money on oversized rideable toy cars. Children starved and nearly died from the lack of work. The production schedule was empty, so the citizens of Pyaupalupo started filming commercials for a Christian charity, and all was well as money pored in from around globe.
The commercial claims, “The Christian Charity fund is one of the oldest and most respected charity organizations in the world.” “No it isn’t,” charity analyst Michael Seashell said. “They are actually not respected at all, and were founded less than a decade ago, and are not even really Christian.”
Despite their Christian moniker, most of the recipients of the money and aid are not Christian. They usually praise Lord Krondar of the Underworld, but his followers are only allowed to come from Christian blood, thought to have the least amount of malites. Lord Krondar is the online screen name of Jason Rapestein, a 23-year-old former UCLA college student. He started the cult when he was 16 in the year 2000 through the internet, where he got people to donate money to him and eventually worship him as the lord and savior.
“It’s pretty sweet,” he said, “Like, I am one of the most powerful people in this universe. Check it out.” He then pointed out his websites 600,000 subscribers. Rapestein eventually got the Christian Children’s Fund onboard as a major donator, and the largest converter on an annual basis. “It’s pretty sweet,” Rapestein said, “they like send me a couple g’s every month. I get about a half mil a year just doing this stuff.”
So the popular Christian Children’s Fund commercial says, advertising how the child will write to the donor every year and send a picture. But, in order to fulfill this requirement, the charity has had to set very high standards for their recipient children.
The commercial claims, “The Christian Charity fund is one of the oldest and most respected charity organizations in the world.” “No it isn’t,” charity analyst Michael Seashell said. “They are actually not respected at all, and were founded less than a decade ago, and are not even really Christian.”