           
|
Santa No Longer Gives a Fuck By John Morelli  Interview with Santa Claus on Vacation.
We caught up with Christopher Cringle in Bunnig, Germany. He was celebrating at the local Oktoberfest and seemed to be having a grand old time. He was in leisure wear and smelled like an abandoned garbage truck. Stogie Bros: So what’s up Chris? Santa Clause: Just spending my time in Germany. I love it here. Lots of beer, the women are nice too. SB: Are you compiling your list of who is naughty and who is nice? SC: Hey, you know, don’t give me shit, alright. I had to get the fuck away from the missus. She was bugging me. Non fucking stop. So. I choked her. Plain and simple. And I fled. SB: You choked missus claus? Aren’t you a wanted man then? SC:Yes. The north pole police (buncha fucking dwarves by the way, I made them who they are) are looking for me. But luckily Germany doesn’t share an extradition policy with The North Pole. SB: So will there be a Christmas this year? SC:Not my problem. SB: But what about all the kids waiting for you? SC:Hey, babe, come on. Lets make it easy. Okay…all Chinese kids are naughty…so no presents for those millions of little fuckers. Uhm. Africans are Nice. Canadians are ranking pretty high. And I think its time to just let the Jews come out on top for once. I mean. I was around during the holocaust and I kinda felt bad about bringing presents to the German soldiers in the concentration camps. I mean. It smelled real bad and all those Jews gave me funny looks. Spooky shit. SB:Santa, any last requests to whomever takes your role over as caretaker of Christmas? SC:Yeah. Don’t fuck reindeer. Their assholes are too tight and high and they run too fast. And don’t ever work with the Coca-Cola corporation. More importantly. Kill some Chinese people. For a laugh. SB: You are a sick old man. SC:Go Fuck Yourself. 2006 |
