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A Scanner Darkly By Helen Thomas  My Vagina is four stories tall and was the original concept for the microwave oven. You think I’m kidding? Take a look for your self.
I remember when this book came out. A Scanner Darkly. Yea, I read it. That was back in the good old days, when I wasn’t miserable. Back then, I tried to fuck Lyndon Johnson but I couldn’t get a hard on. That was my last real chance, my vagina hasn’t been touched in anything but pure disgust since the late 1940’s. The book was fantastic, but I don’t understand this movie. People’s mouth’s move. Sound comes out. I know I’m hearing it. But, I don’t understand a word of it. You know why? It’s all in fucking Chinese.  So what, yea, I pirate movies. I can’t leave my house to go out and see them, so I download them. Unfortunately this was a Chinese dub. But, from the images I saw, it looked mildly entertaining. It reminded me of a cartoon, only longer and with no animals.
To tell you the truth, I’m not allowed to leave my house. The 57-year-old aborted man-fetus who controls the lower portion of my body wouldn’t let me go. He makes the decisions for my legs, and he said Richard Linklater is an asshole.
It wasn’t my fault, it was a close-hanger abortion back room deal. They only got him half way out – but he lived and grew up and became a man – only within the confines of my vagina. Now, he tells me what to do and what to say. He was fucked over on an oil deal in the early 80’s, and ever since he’s hated the Bush’s. I don’t choose what I say, I only deliver his messages. If I betray him, he bites. Hard. That’s why I stayed home and got my pirated version. The quality sucked, too, everything looked all blurry and weird. Sorta’ like a cartoon. I wonder what the real movie looked like. I’ll never know.    2 1/2 Out of 5 Stars This Edition's Reviews Lady in the Water - World Trade Center - The Devil Wears Prada - Pirates of the Carribean 2 - Big Momma's House 2 - V For Vendetta - An Inconvenient Truth - Fast & The Furious Tokyo Drift - Superman Returns - A Scanner Darkly - MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE 2006 |
