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My Birthday in the Pacific Added September, 2006  Here I am, off the coast of Banaba Island measuring the size of a jelly fish’s dick. It’s been my life’s work, studying the reproductive system of jelly fish. Today is my birthday, I am now 52, which means I’ve officially been doing this for 30 years.
I’d like to make a shout out to all my nigga’s in the hood gettin’ paid and my ex-wife Nancy, who is a dirty whore. I’d also like to say hello to EazyPillz.com, where you can get all your pills all the time. Hello to all, hopefully I will be returning soon. I never expected to be out to sea so long, it makes you kind of insane being out here. Originally, we intended to sail from San Francisco to Portland in Oregon to study the jelly fish population, but we took a series of wrong turns because of our navigation systems. We are the official Vegan Sea Expedition, and being such we can only use “all-natural” tools. Magnets were deemed unnatural, so we just had a dead baby nailed to the mast as a sun dial. But, sun dials are for telling time, not navigating. We ended up sailing for a lot longer than we wanted and ran out of food for weeks, I only survived on my finger nail clippings and eye brow hair. After days without food, we landed here, in Banaba Island in the middle of the Pacific One Billion miles away from America. The people here were nice, the Island’s Governor even sacrificed the best four children in our honor. But, after they burned them, they held a feast and ate their charred remains. We all refused to take part, because we’re vegans. And that pissed them off. They yelled at us a lot, “Mo-butu!”, and just looked at us and slapped out feet. The whole crew ran at that point, and barely made it back to the ship, but with no food Without any other choice, dehydrated, starving, we resorted to out last option. We opened up the meat freezer in the bottom of the ship and hacked into our 50 pound frozen beef stash. Now, today, my birthday, I’m fifty two. And I eat meat. And it is good. Better than all vegetables. No matter what fruit or vegetable you put up against it, chicken or beef or pork will always triumph. Always. More "Scientist's Column" My One Day Journal 2006 |
