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World Trade Center By The Ghost of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi  I really thought this was going to be a great movie. You know, Americans dying, screaming, in pain, what else could be better? I sure don’t know. Maybe another Holocaust. But, this film just changed my view on things.
I am up here in Heaven right now, oh yea, you heard that right, I am in Heaven. God made me see this. Me and him have had a very good relationship since I got here, we talk on the phone like every other day. When I first got here, I was so shocked. There they were. 72 virgins, ripe and ready. Even though I prayed for them, I never really thought it was true. But, they should have put an asterick onto that prayer. Yes, there are 72 virgins in Heaven, but, that’s ALL there is, 72 virgins, for everybody to share. I made an appointment last Tuesday for six weeks in advance. Immediately after I found this out, I get so mad, I ran to the receptionist to complain. They directed me to the big man himself, Mr. G-O-D. I spit in his face when I see him and demand to know where are my virgins. “Islam is not the true way,” he responds. So, I ask God what was the right religion. I say, “Oh, God, was it the Christains?” “No,” he says. So, I say, “Oh, God, please don’t tell me. It’s the Jews?” “No,” he says. “Then who, God, who has the right religion?” I ask. “Jim Jones and the People’s Temple,” he says. I have never heard of this Jim Jones man before, but he controls all black people in Heaven. He must be something special. I take notes on him and plan out 32 ways to end him. “Oh, and Abu, one more thing,” God adds, “you know that whole ‘God is Great’ stuff you do?” “Yes,” I say. “Well, you’re kinda’ blowing up my spot. Stop it, please.” After my meeting with God, I go and catch up with old friends. There is Musaf, we go all the way back to Zarqa. I sent him to blow up a school bus. Oh, and then there’s Muhammad (not the big guy), he martyred himself in a car bomb inside a hospital. These are just great people. But, after I light this little girl’s hair on fire, I get sent to the Principle’s office. Heaven is broken down into districts, with each one having its own Pope as a principle. We had Gregory XI, a real hard ass. He says I have to serve eight detentions and plant my own hair tree to grow this girl new hair. So, I get all mad and I use a dull knife in my pocket to cut off his head. What’s the big deal? Sometimes, I get angry. Well, God, doesn’t like this. He calls me and we have a little sit down. “Abu,” he says. “God,” I say.  “Call me Eric. Or Zach. Or Abu-jabu. Whatever floats your boat, as long as its masculine” he says.
“Okay,” I say, “what is the problem, God?” “The other kids don’t like you. They say you don’t play right and are always trying to cut people with your fingernails.” Does he possibly know who he is dealing with? I am the MOST powerful man on Earth. Or I was. You don’t believe me? I could kill you right now, and your whole family would still root for me. You know that Jew, Nick Berg, I behead him. I cut his head off. I didn’t even try to hide it, I even videotaped it and admitted to it and bragged for the whole world to see. And you know what? His dad blames someone else! He don’t even care about me. Ah, but God does not see my power. Instead, he punishes me. He says I must go see the new film by Oliver Stone, World Trade Center. I laugh at this, this movie will be hilarious. But, it is not. It is good. They no show the plane hit, they no show the heroes who martyr themselves, only two men – and they are trapped in rubble. This hits horrifyingly close to home to me. Before I died, I too was trapped in rubble. It is horrible, you can’t breathe or move and no one is there to help. But, then, after hours, someone comes. And, it’s the Marines. In my case, that was a bad thing. The whole time during this I wanted to scream, or maybe cut my own head off just to see what it feels like. I wanted to squirm. 9/11 is glorious, with big bangs and cheering and people dancing every where and America burning. I don’t remember 9/11 like this. This movie shows 9/11 with people suffering and dying and in pain. I felt weird. Like everyone in the theater was looking at me. So, now, me and God talk like every other day about things. He wants to change my mind about stuff, like killing people and blowing things up. But, I don’t want to change. Killing innocent people is fun. It’s like basketball. Only without any balls.   3 Out of 5 Stars This Edition's Reviews Lady in the Water - World Trade Center - The Devil Wears Prada - Pirates of the Carribean 2 - Big Momma's House 2 - V For Vendetta - An Inconvenient Truth - Fast & The Furious Tokyo Drift - Superman Returns - A Scanner Darkly - MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE 2006 |
