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Transformers Reviewed By Tom "Sausage"  I’m a BIG guy and I’ve got BIG needs. I need to see BIG things when I go to the movies. My time is very important, I’ve got things to do with my life, I can’t waste my days staring at some crappy movie all day. So, when I go to the movies, it’s a BIG deal.
And another thing, I hate it when they do them movies now theses days, and they all got a fucking twist. I’m no carprinicus here, but I ain’t not dumb. You’re watching this movie, and then they then change the plot and make it all fucked up and it’s like “no, it’s this guy, not this guy,” or, “no, this guys a ghost or a killer or somethin’”. Fuck that shit. So, like I’s saying, it’s a BIG deal to me. And another thing, why isn’t there boobs in movies any more? I’m a BIG guy, I get around, but when I go to the movies, it’s a BIG deal, back in the day they’d have titties in every movie you’d saw, and why don’t they do that today, huh? But, I’m seein’ this fuckin’ movie, Transformers, it’s HUGE. The robots are big, they’s like bigger than a car or somethin’. Actually, this one like is a car. It’s pretty cool. You wanna see a movie that’s like somethin’ to see, go see this Transformers shit it’s like really BIG and it’s got all this shit goin’ on, no twists and like the President’s a fag and shit but it’s all good cuz’ in the end they kick they ass and it’s all good. But, one thing bothers me, why do they gotta’ put all this shit and make the movie all long and shit and these talkin’ scenes. Nobody goes to the movies for the talkin’ scenes, I mean am I right? You go to the movies for the blowin’ shit up scenes, the real BIG stuff, like I was saying. So, when I go to the movies, it’s a BIG deal. I don’t know if I have time for it anymore. I mean, just eating and cleaning up like that’s four hours, and I have to shit every seventy minutes. It’s hard. I took an immodium and went to this Transformers, and I only went out for a ten minute shit during a talking scene. When I came back, they was still talking, so I didn’t miss nothin’. And another thing, what’s with all this cursing. I mean there are children who could see this movie, and they got the main character shittin’ and fuckin’ every time he talks, it’s horrible. All them talkin’ scenes, that kid was like “oh, fuck this, fuck you, shit on this, shit in here,” it was disgusting. I mean, I’m no jesus or somethin’ myself, but I like to keep a clean chart. When I eat, I always get fucking barbeque sauce on my shirt, even if I ain’t eating barbeque sauce I get barbeque sauce on my shirt. And another thing, what the fuck? No matter how much I brush my teeth, my breath still smells like my balls. I buy that shit they sell in the commercials, the uh, the mouth wash and the tooth brushes that gots batteries in em’ and everything. Nothing, my breath always smells like my balls. Same smell, I don’t know what it is. That’s why, when you go see these BIG movies like this Transformers shit, you know, it’s like you get to get out of your daily life, take a break, step back. My breath don’t smell like balls for two hours. I don’t got tits, that pretty girl on the screen does. Nobody can even smell you, because the scent of popcorn is all over. You can fart, cuz the movies all loud. As long as you don’t fart during a talking scene, you can basically fart as loud as you want. Maybe I should go to the movies more often. I have to say that it was a nice experience seeing this Transformers shit. I felt, like, happier there. Like it was a BIG deal, but it was also a fun.    2 1/2 out of 5 Stars MOVIE REVIEW ARCHIVE 2007 |
