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Perfume
The Story of a Murderer
I used to be a Gym Teacher. They cut P.E. out of our educational budget. More reading less jogging, at least that’s what I tell people. I was accused of touching…okay…I touched three girls and a boy. Gad Dang it! When did an encouraging pat on the buttocks and the breast area become such a bad thing?
Anyways, now I’m out of a job. So they got me writing reviews for the newspapers. I like movies. Mainly sports comedies. Mainly Baseball Sports Comedies. Mainly Major League 1 through 4.
So. There were no sports in this movie. At one point I thought I saw a football, but it turned out to be Dustin Hoffman. Maybe if he just gave it a little more hussle out there he wouldn’t have gained all that weight.
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Santa No Longer Gives a Fuck
 Interview with Santa Claus while on Vacation
We caught up with Christopher Cringle in Bunnig, Germany. He was celebrating at the local Oktoberfest and seemed to be having a grand old time. He was in leisure wear and smelled like an abandoned garbage truck.
Stogie Bros: So what’s up Chris?
Santa Clause: Just spending my time in Germany. I love it here. Lots of beer, the women are nice too.
SB: Are you compiling your list of who is naughty and who is nice?
SC: Hey, you know, don’t give me shit, alright. I had to get the fuck away from the missus. She was bugging me. Non fucking stop. So. I choked her. Plain and simple. And I fled.
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Recent Writings
Scientist's Column: My Birthday in the Pacific
Largest Life Change
Mike Morelli
Scientist's Column: One Day Journal
Scientist's Column: Goals and Stuff
Scientist's Column: Philadelphia Observations
Protesting is Cool Again
Mike Morelli
Interview with an Archeologist While Drunk
By John Morelli
School is for Robots, French Fries are for Humans
By Qosmio 1000 Super Computer
Poll of Dancers Shows Dancing Hardest Thing You Can Do
by A Lebanese Man Who Doesn't Abide by Traffic Laws
Massachusetts Miracle Man Interview
Class Clown Eddie Dwainstein Interview
Ode To Taking A Shit
by Little Prince Zellwin
Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Review
by Lloyd Millard Bentsen
A.I.D.'s Ain't So Bad
by Bill Hobbes Jr.
The Fat Theory
by Mike Morelli
Archive
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LiLEKS.com
Unpacking the past with joy and ambivalence since 1996
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"Community Service"
When people ask me such things as “What do you have to gain?” or “What can you learn?”, I scoff at them. Do you know who you are dealing with? I have already gained so much through my first 19 years that it is futile to even contemplate gaining anything else.
. In fact, I probably couldn’t fit in anything else, I know too much, and if I learned something new, I’d have to forget something old.
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